“Toes, toes, go to sleep toes….”

I love books. I love to buy books, especially from amazon. Waiting for them to come to my mailbox, or front door fills me with excitement. I love a new, crisp book….holding it in my hands and anticipating how the words on the pages will impact my life… whether it is a self help book, a book to further my work /education, or a fiction book full of a great story. My earliest memory of books is from my Kindergarten days at North Road Elementary in Mrs. Reece’s class. Maybe “Dick and Jane”….I vaguely remember a book about a pig, but I can’t recall the “learn to read” series. Then there was the infamous bookmobile. We did not have a library, but once a week we had the bookmobile. A huge mobile camper-like vehicle pulled up to our school. We were ushered to go pick out books to loan for the week. I remember being intimidated, and worried I wouldn’t find the book in the appropriate amount of time. What if I picked something I didn’t like? It felt like a lot of pressure. But in the end I always found fun things to read, be it Curious George Goes to the Hospital, or George and Martha eat split-pea soup (Oh George, why did you pour the soup in your shoes instead of telling Martha you didn’t like it?). I remember those books so well, I can almost see the covers clearly in my memory.

Fast forward to today… I still feel the pressure of finding the perfect book.. but it’s always mixed with excitement. However, the content I seek is different. Because I am so busy, I tend to lean towards finding books that help with work, or make me a better person…. There is the excitement when they arrive, and the self promise to dive right in, the hope to “find” all the answers I need… but there is a problem…I am famous for starting a book and not finishing it. It’s not necessarily because the content isn’t interesting, it’s more that I am looking for the easy fix, the answer I need, the magic recipe for a smooth life and joyful disposition. So, If I am not “feeling it” or “finding it” in the pages I place the book down and forget it exists. This is becoming an expensive habit!

This is my first blog… and it would be more of a book (or series ha ha) if I wrote, or vomited out everything I want to say right now. So, I will start small, and hope you will hang in there for more …..

This past weekend I had the amazing opportunity to teach a meditation workshop. The funny part is, I don’t really meditate. So why on earth did I agree to step into that rabbit hole? It just felt right, and that is a feeling that is not always solid for me. So what does that have to do with books???? Let me tie it all together.

I pulled out my gazillion unfinished self help, yoga, mindfulness, spiritual, biblical, you name it etc. books to “find” my material to present my workshop. I surfed, I searched, I prayed for God to show me the right words on the pages so I could teach others how to begin a mindfulness practice. After all, how could a “non-expert” deliver a workshop to paying members?… Geez.

Needless to say, searching books for answers didn’t go well…. But I did manage to find some good information to share with others. One book that helped was a book by Pema Chodron called “Start Where you Are”. In this book, Pema drives across the fact that we already have everything we need. Yada yada yada…. So I hear, Pema… that’s nothing new. But what I did not expect, is how I would experience that during the workshop. First hand, and through the eyes of others. So here is what happened:

I was privileged to meet 11 of the best people in a really cool studio room and become vulnerable… Yes, I was the teacher in front of the class, but this group taught me!!!!!

Meditation is weird. Let’s face it. Weirdo’s do it right? Granola-type free spirits who aren’t stressed and have time to sit, stare, observe, hum, and spread joy aren’t on my radar in my busy stressed life…. But I eventually decided this concept could help my patients at work who had experienced brain injury, attention deficit disorder, stroke, anxiety, and a multitude of other cognitive deficits. Meditation and mindfulness seemed like the perfect answer to help heal these wounded brains. So I began learning… that’s when I was hit over the head with the wake up call…”hey Lori, you need this”. You see I am a long time sufferer of anxiety and undiagnosed attentional problems. I chose the path of anxiety meds, therapy and hard core exercise to manage my issues. Issues that brought about poor decisions, a wounded marriage, relationships, and a lifetime of insecurity and “beating myself up”. My dear friend recently told me I was super great at being so hard on myself. (insert sad emoji). So, I have decided to embrace meditation in hopes to heal myself and dump all the judgment of myself and others.

Meditation is really just mindfulness. It is slowing the mind down, observing what is happening right now, in the moment. The sounds, the smells, basically all the things. It’s about observing our thoughts, and not giving them power to control us or rob us of precious moments and joy that God wants us to experience. Life is hard enough without self sabotage, and meditation can halt that in it’s tracks. Most people think you need to carve time out to meditate (who has time for that when you have real life problems, right? ) It is so much more than that. Meditation/mindfulness is about drawing in your focus and appreciating all that we have, right here, right now.

My workshop was great. I wasn’t nervous. I was excited. I did prepare and for the first time, I felt like I was sharing a passion and really doing something I loved. I learned from each and everyone present. Alexander (a newbie to mediation), who came to support a friend, gave such a great description of his experience focusing on a battery operated candle. It was a view I would have NEVER seen. My experience with the candle was agitating… I hated it. The light was fake and flickered repetitively, hurt my eyes and really annoyed me. I vocalized that to the group. But when it was Alexander’s turn….he let the group see a whole different side of this small flickering light. It was the coolest thing I’d heard in awhile…. I was amazed (the whole group was!). Remesh gave an awesome view of how being present and focusing on taste, texture and smell of food while sharing a meal with others is such an act of friendship in a way I had never thought of ( sorry, you need to be present to fully understand this). It’s too much to write, all I learned, from the others. I will carry it close to my heart and I feel privileged to be part of such a special experience. But, my biggest surprise was this:

We do have all we need… right in front of us. Pema is right, The workshop closed with a body scan meditation in Savasana where you lay flat and start at your toes and work your way up to relax and release stress in the body… It was an amazing experience. And then it hit me.. This is not a new concept to me. It’s something that I have always known….. Something that has been with me for a long time!

My sweet daughter, as long as I can remember, was never a good sleeper. To say bedtime was smooth in our house is an understatement. Allie was an anxious kid, and needed lots of closeness in many different ways. I confess I was not always patient with her. But my sweet mother was…. ALWAYS. To get Allie to sleep, my mom would lie with her and play “Toes”. Toes was a game they made up and played together to get her to sleep.

It went like this:

My mom would get Allie to lie in bed. She’d have her think about her toes….. And they would say “Toes, toes, go to sleep toes,” then “ankles, ankles, go to sleep ankles.. You get the picture…they would go all the way up to the head… and somehow Allie would always drift off to sleep.

As I performed the body scan meditation in my workshop, this thought occurred to me…”I already know this”… It was clear that if I just pay attention and trust my instincts, I already have everything I need. Thank you mom and Allie!

The mind is a beautiful thing…. It never stops working…it never stops thinking. And you know what…that’s ok because it means we are alive and living!!!!

Namaste,

Lori